Roller Coaster Ride

The first few weeks of clinical rotations have been such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I start each day feeling chipper and energetic even if its painfully early in the morning. Throughout the day, my emotions change with each patient I see, from elation and joy to fright and despair. I have been lucky enough to share the miracle of life with new parents this week on OB. Its absolutely amazing to witness 20 hours of painful labor finally result in a tiny little bundle of joy. After congratulating the proud parents and helping them take some pictures with their baby, I have to move on to the next patient. If I'm lucky the next patient will just be a normal pregnancy or postpartum check, but other times I have had to comfort tearful patients who are most likely going to lose their pregnancy. I've been having trouble finding the balance between empathy and internalizing their sadness.

To top it all off, its been pretty difficult trying to find my place within this world of white coats, adjusting to the hierarchy of interns, residents, and attendings. I find myself constantly inserting myself into everyone's business, while simultaneously trying to stay out of the way. Its difficult to not feel invisible, to not disappear completely sometimes. When you bust your butt to help your team for little or no thanks or recognition, you have to actively fight off the feelings of frustration and anger. One thing that our clerkship director said really resonated with me and helps me in these situations. She talked about the true nature of altruism and about how being a doctor is a job; we get paid for it. You have to do more, by volunteering in the community, without expecting anything in return, for your actions to fit the definition of altruism. That really put things in perspective for me. I got in to this field to help people, especially those who can't necessarily help themselves. As long as I try my hardest to help my patients, I will be a successful doctor. Honors, awards, and competitive compensation are so much less important.

Its a tough world out there and I'm quickly realizing that I have to find ways to hold on to what is important to me. I hope that sharing my reflections in this blog will help me to make sense of this roller coaster ride of emotions and help me to find the path to my chosen field of medicine.